Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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