I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
