the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
