remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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