turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
jump out the window naked night went bad
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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