Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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