I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
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