I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
foreskin is a definite game changer
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
