Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
