Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
