areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
