I wanna passion pit in your ass
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
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When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
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Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
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