I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
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