He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
