Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
