im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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