I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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