how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
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His apartment number was 69. I had to.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
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Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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