Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
