real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
