Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize