I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Randomize
