I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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