mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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