the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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