Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
