So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
