Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
