Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
