He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
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