If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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