I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
It was confusing and full of hummus
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
