he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
