DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
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talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
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I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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