My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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