I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
