did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
