how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Slut skills are useful in every country.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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