Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
