It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
