just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
