Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
