My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
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