Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
