I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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