I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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