dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
