bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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