i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Randomize
