Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
