if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
as a side note pls kill me
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