Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
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