Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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