I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
you didnt know i had herpes?
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
