Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
