Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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