You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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