You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
