and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Just invented taco cereal.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
